1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'
2. Laugh at him.
3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...'
4. knit him things. Really hideous things.
5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.
6. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.
8. Dance the Funky Chicken.
9. Ask him when the last time he took a bath was.
10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.
11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.
12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.
13. Call him 'The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live.'
14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'
15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
17. be cheerful.
18. When he tries to impress you with his powers, say 'Awwwww, look it. Voldie's got a twiggle!'
19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'
21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'
22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that - a washing detergent?'
23. Keep a 'good-behavior chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.
24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there...
26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?
27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.
28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'
29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter? Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drum roll.
32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breaking' my little heart here, O Dark One' whenever he starts to talk of what caused him to become who he is.
33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'
34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
35. Mock his choice of Quirrell as a 'host.' 36. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways.'
37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.
38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions, 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and says you thought you were helping!
39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
40. Buy him a stress ball.
41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.
42. Call him Tommy-boy.
43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.
45. Say he 'looked better under the turban.'
46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
47. Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.
48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.
49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
50. 'Imperio' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright and Beautiful.'
51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry.'
52. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colors and glitter.
53. Throw him a 'Care bears'-themed birthday party.
54. Tell him what Snape's really up to.
55. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.
56. Sing 'California Dreaming' at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an 'evil moment.'
57. Should you ever be eating with him - drum tunes with your cutlery; play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.
58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.
59. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and 'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much as possible.
60. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'
61. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.
62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London....
63. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.
64. Tell him you've met plenty of people more evil than he.
65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.
66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.
67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.
68. Tell him Lucius did it.
69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.
70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.
71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.
72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause.'
73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling.'
74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.
75. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'
76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'
77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.
78. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist that it is 'Aromatherapy.'
80. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.
81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric acquaintance.
82. Cuddle him at random moments.
83. Sign him up for Little-League.
84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.
85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.
86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie.'
87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.
88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.
89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.
90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.
91. Write sonnets for him. 92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.
93. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.
94. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie.'
95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildly depressed' and 'a bit of a control-freak.'
96. Mock his baldness.
97. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (I.e.: another of his attempted 'evil moments')
98. Get him drunk.
99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah.'
100. Let him catch you trying on Death Eater robes.
101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.
102. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like 'Not going to work, or 'stupid.'
103. Call him 'Champ' or 'Tiger.' Refer to yourself as 'Coach.'
104. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.
105. Ask him where he gets his garlic-scented soap.
106. Ask him to dye Easter eggs with you.
107...at Christmas.
108. Make him dance in the rain with you.
109. Insist that this is to cleanse his soul.
110. "Accidentally" schedule him a him a haircut.
111...Even though he's bald.
112. Be offended by everything he says.
113. When he gives you an order, stare at him blankly and drool.
114. Invite him to go streaking.
115. Kill Harry.
116. On the next Valentine's Day, decorate his lair.
117...Make sure the decorations are pink and frilly.
118. Tell him that getting the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson was definitely a bad idea.
119. Paint his fingernails hot pink while he's sleeping, then place a permanent sticking charm on them so he can't remove the color.
120. Whenever you look at him cover your eyes with your hands and scream "IT BURNS!!!"
121. Bake him scar shaped cookies, but insist it wasn't purposeful.
122. Trade his black robes in for pink pajamas.
123. Insist that it's opposite day and paint a lightning bolt on his forehead.
124. Steal his red contacts.
125. Crazy glue a Mohawk to his head, A pink one.
126. Spray tan him while hes sleeping and make sure his palms are bright orange.
127. Set him up on a blind date with Umbridge.
128. Send him a howler than when opened (or ignored) says Avada Kedavra
129. Make a life-size cut-out of Dumbledore and place it next to his bed so its the first thing he sees when he wakes up.
130. Put a picture of Harry Potter in Slytherins Locket.
131. Transfigure one of his horcruxes into a head of lettuce and feed it to a flobberworm.
132. Give him Leprechaun gold for his birthday and tell him not to spend it all in one place.
133. When it disappears, tell him that you told him so.
134. Slip love potion into his tea that makes him fall madly in love with Draco Malfoy.
135. Leave a box of chocolates from a secret admirer on his pillow.
136. Make sure the box is pink with lots of lace and sequins.
137. Tell him, in Parseltongue, that he greatly resembles a basilisk.
138. Transfigure him into a small dog and give him to Paris Hilton.
139. Tell him hes going to a We hate Harry Potter convention in Chicago, and sign him up for an Oprah episode about abusive, controlling people and how to deal with them.
140. When hes feeling grumpy, give him a Midol.
141. Sign him up for a LOreal commercial, because hes worth it.
142. Ask him if the reason behind the obsession with Harry Potter is because he has a secret crush on him.
143. Promise to keep it a secret.
144. Call him Lord Moldy shorts.
145. Make him a myspace page having Harry Potter as his top friend, and Photoshop pictures of him worshipping an HP shrine.
146. Ask him if he got the no-nose idea from Michael Jackson. Then ask him if he is going to start sharing beds with the children of Death Eaters.
147. At a DE meeting, place a large poster of him and, with a laser pointer, go over every detail of him.
148. Ask why he can't kill a teenage boy, even though hes not protected by love anymore.
149. Ask why he has to be so dramatic all of the time.
150. Send him to anger management classes.
151. When he says hes the best, remind him that hes only third best.
152. Pull out a picture of Harry and Dumbledore and stroke it fondly.
153. Fart very loudly and tell him that he is lucky for not having a nose, because it really smells.
154. Tell him that Malfoy insists on being called Lucy and is going to refer to The Dark Lord as Ricky Retardo.
155. When he storms out of a room, make sure to put your foot in front of his legs.
156. When hes on the floor, smile and ask him what hes doing down there.
157. When he sets out to kill someone, hum the theme for the Wicked Witch of the West.
158. Sit in his armchair and place pictures of Hogwarts alumni that have succeeded on every nearby table. Tell him you put them there to remind him how he's done. Make sure the biggest portrait is of Dumbledore laughing.
159. Glue hair all over his robes, and when he puts them on, insist hes been drinking Polyjuice Potion with cat hair in it and pet him gently saying Pretty Kitty!
160. Run around in a Death eater mask saying Tom, I am your father!
161. Invite a group of young muggle children to the mansion and tell them fictional stories about how Voldie has failed to kill the great and powerful Harry Potter.
162. Make sure its at the same time as a DE meeting.
163. Replace his wand with one of Fred and Georges trick ones. Make him mad and when he tries to do the killing curse and a rubber chicken appears in his hand, laugh hysterically.
164. When the Death Eaters are plotting against Harry Potter, hum the Mission Impossible theme.
165. Fly around the room on a broom autographed by Harry Potter and sing I believe I can fly! Im about to be killed by a crazy guy!
166. In the middle of a DE meeting, Interrupt very loudly to tell him that his Harry called and said he would love to record Teletubbies for him.
168. Buy him a brand new cane and tell him that vertical stripes are very slimming.
169. Buy him a very big fur coat, fur hat, and pimp cane, then go around blasting hip-hop while telling him to smack a hoe.
170. Ask him a very simple question such as What color is that chair? And every time he answers ask Why.
171. Cover yourself in an invisibility cloak and walk into his office. Start knocking everything off the shelves, breaking as much as you can, and whisper whoooooooo when you get close to him.
172. Walk around his office while hes pacing and smack his butt. Ask him if he likes it. Keep doing it, regardless of the answer, and after a while tell him that hed better like it or youll go Crucio on his ass!
173. Run through the streets screaming Hes going to kill me! When he drags you back inside the house, ask him why he didnt ask if you were okay. When he does, say Youre trying to kill me, what do you think?
174. Knit him a scarf with the initials HJP on it and insist that he wear it as often as possible.
175. Whenever out in public with him, scream, and jump on his back, saying I missed you, Mommy!
176. As Death Eaters are leaving a meeting, make sure to send them off with complimentary pictures of Tommy with his very first diaper rash.
177. Make sure to point out the boils around his You-know-what and say that he has very sensitive skin.
178. During a meeting, run and scream Honey! Its time to take your yeast infection pill!
179. Follow him around with tampons saying I will not keep washing your bloody underwear! whenever a Death Eater is around.
180. At a DE dinner, tell him that his daughter called and wanted to know if you are still taking her to the zoo on Saturday.
181. When the Death Eaters ask if he has a daughter say Well, Harry was having a little trouble with impregnating him, so they had to adopt a 12 year old girl from muggle China. Hes a very good father. Always taking her to the ballet, giving her the talk. Sit in his lap at the dinner table and accidentally get in the way of his eating.
182. On Monday, wake him up my singing the song by the Mamas and the Papas. Tuesday, Im walking on sunshine, Wednesday, Ive got you, Babe, and so on.
183. Constantly chew bubble gum with your mouth wide open, and sing about how beautiful cows look when they're grazing.
184. When he calls you to his lair, sing Im off to see the Wizard, the wizard who cant kill a toddler!
185. Insist that his new lair should be the basement of the nearest Wal-Mart.
186. Pinch him, and when he asks why you did it, tell him you thought you were dreaming. Then tell him it cant be a dream if Harry Potters not giving you chocolate.
187. Glue caterpillars to his face while hes sleeping.
188. Sing Dont cha wish your girlfriend was HOT like me? Then laugh and say Oh wait, YOU DONT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!
189. Ask him to give you all his revenge plans before actually doing them. When he says no, take them anyway and correct his spelling.
190. Make him watch The Music Man. And when he begs for it to stop, put on Mr. Rogers.
191. Put lavender scented soap on his pillow before he goes to bed.
192. Give him a purse filled with Chiclets.
193. When he laughs maniacally, offer him a tic-tac.
194. Imperio the Death Eaters into a chorus of Do you believe in magic?
195. Get him to play scrabble with you and insist xyqzf is a word.
196. Turn his closet into a Ginny Weasley shrine and insist that it will help him get closer to the mind of Harry.
197. Write a story about a super hero (Hairy Potty) defeating the evil villain Moldy shorts, and then laugh about how he still loses, even to a toilet.
198. Sign him up for Little League. Make sure hes on the team with the brightest color jersey.
199. Imperio him into completely finishing the New York Times crossword puzzle every morning in at most five minutes. 200. Sew sequins and lace on his robes and coat them with glitter.
201. Be alive!
and said, ’OK, dad, I’m ready!’